i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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