Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
