You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My day in three words: secret purse cake
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
