4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
