The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
