he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
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Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
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you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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