you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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