So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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