DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
