just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
