toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You can't special order awesome
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
