the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
