Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
