Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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