Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
