grandma shit on top of the toilet
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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