I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
