Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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