what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
