Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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