it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
My hand turned me down
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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