It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
