Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
