omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
