hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
