There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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