hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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