nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
