Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
