Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
