She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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