Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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