how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
