Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
