oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
