Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I don't deserve a penis
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
