Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
