Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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