Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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