omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
be right there i have to get my cape
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
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i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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