are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
