We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
