Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
