Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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