I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
the liver wants what the liver wants
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
