I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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