I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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