I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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