I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
