The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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