thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
