can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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