This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
