remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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