Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
