As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
